Tuesday 3rd February 2015 at The Wardrobe Theatre
Constance is very anxious about becoming a mother but Magdalene and Robin calm her fears by getting her to bond with her uterus. After an ultrasound scan, Constance is told she is having a boy and a girl; but who is the father? Simpkins is very keen on having an heir and is plotting to ‘take out’ the three other potential fathers with the help of Oscar Croft and some out of date coriander baby food.
Meanwhile, Big Dick Johnson and Fred are arguing over who would be the better parent (despite Fred insisting he’s had a vasectomy), a dispute which is finally solved via a stone paper scissors match and a staring competition judged by Spencer.
Across town, having nursed Harold back to health after accidentally attacking him, Reg finally says yes to Harold’s marriage proposal. The pair celebrate at the town hall where Simpkins has laid on a coriander doughnut platter. After consuming one of the poisoned foodstuffs, Harold goes mad and attacks his fiancé, Reg, with a shoe!
– Simpkins summarising the difference between modern fathers and mothers as simply he doesn’t have boobies.
– Big Dick Johnson and Fred’s painfully strained staring competition.
– Flashback: Oscar Croft sat in the pub with a baby that isn’t his.
Who is the father of Constance’s baby: Harold, Simpkins, Fred or Dick?
Will Reg and Harold’s engagement survive this latest fight?
What depth will Simpkins sink to to ensure he gets an heir?
Find out in Episode 3 of Closer Each Day: The Improvised Soap Opera.