Big Dick realises his beloved Gina is in the very Aldi that he set fire to when distraught over his niece Candi dropping out of art school. He tries to save her with various objects but in the end Gina slits her PVC trousers open with a pineapple she finds, where she is lying slightly charred in the fruit and veg section, and manages to quell the flames with the sweat she has gathered in the hotness of the PVC – just long enough to get out to Dick and safety. When Gina recovers, she and Big Dick go out to sell beer from a cart, to prove to him they can make money legally. He tries his best but just cannot shake the feeling that crime is his true calling.
Meanwhile, Constance and Debita are in the cellar of the pub and find a temple full of riches, a labyrinth of passages, an underground lake and a ski slope. They fight Matrix-style and Jedi-style and are both determined to take the rubies and diamonds they have found. But there are no rubies, or anything else – unbeknownst to them, a tap they had drunk from was where Gina and Dick keep their heavy duty psychedelics. Above ground, Debita finds out the truth from Gina but everyone decides it is much more fun to let Constance believe the rubies really do exist. Debita also bumps into Simpkins, who is practising flirting and has a go with Debita. Constance discovers them together and though she thinks Debita is trying to distract her from the rubies when Debita tells her Simpkins was trying it on with her, she is still suspicious of her and gives her a warning. Simpkins and Constance return to the cellar to hunt for the rubies, drinking some more ‘water’ along the way, that sends them tripping off into the underground fantasy world.
Both Big Dick and Gina ask Debita, their new barmaid, for advice. Big Dick is loath to give up crime, but loves Gina with all his heart (and lots of dinosaur metaphors). And Gina really does not want to marry a criminal, but loves Big Dick more than anything. In a tender moment sitting at the bar, Big Dick presents Gina with a bar towel and inside is a ring, he says he will give up crime for her…but if she ever wants him to commit a crime for her he will. The music swells, they kiss, the wedding is on.
Will Simpkins and Constance stay mangled forever??
Will Constance find out about his flirting practice?
What kind of wedding will Dick and Gina plan?
Will Candi make it back to art school?
Where can we get some of those psychedelics on tap?
- Simpkins getting out his cheque book to pay for coffee, then crisps, and get phone numbers at the same time
- Debita sounding ballsy when she says how she handles people who want her to change: “You know what I tell them?” and then she says, timidly, “I am terribly sorry, how do you want me to change exactly?”
- Simpkins and Constance unable to climb up stairs and just sliding down in a heap
- Big Dick naming dinosaurs in his love metaphors
- THAT kiss!