Episode 17.7: ‘The Great Big Disappearing Baby Trick’

Constance cannot easily let go of the fact that Simpkins accused her of being pregnant with another man’s child. Eventually, however, her love for him wins out and they kiss and make up.

AJ and Billy are playing Warhammer, things gets intense and Billy takes it all too far when he becomes a goblin like one of the ones he was playing with. Fred takes a break from tending the bar at the pub (now that he is working there with landlady girlfriend Gina), and helps AJ track Billy down to the Newtown caves where they manage to calm him down and bring him back to himself.

Meanwhile, Eliza is frustrated by Reg’s flights of fancy – he is preparing to watch a cosmic meteor event that evening but has not done the laundry or anything that he said he would do. She has realised she has got herself in a very difficult situation – as she talks to herself, wondering where it all went wrong, it turns out that she is not pregnant at all! She has been faking her bump, she was trying to get back at ex Candi and now it has all gone out of control and Reg thinks he is a father-to-be of triplets, she wishes on the cosmic meteor that there was some way out of this mess!

Memorable Moments:

  • Simpkins, um, taking care of himself, while thinking impure thoughts at his computer screen…Fred comes in and sees a blob on his trousers, Simpkins says it is yogurt and puts it to the side, Constance later comes in and eats it!
  • Fred going down into the cellar on the hunt for crisps, and finding lots of ’70s memorabilia down there
  • The incredible jaw-dropping cliffhanger moment when we find out Eliza has been faking it all along!

Will anyone find out about Eliza’s big secret???

Will Fred and Gina become a dream-team at the pub?

Will Simpkins start his own line of yogurts?

Find out in Episode 17.8 at the Wardrobe Theatre on Mon 22nd April at 7.30pm


Episode 17.6: ‘One baby, two babies, three babies, four…’

Eliza tells Reg that they are not due to have twins after all, but triplets! Reg goes on a delighted and very financially-foolish shopping spree, spending more and more money until he mortgages the house and spends every last penny. Meanwhile, Eliza talks to Billy de Burgh in confidence and admits to him that there are no triplets at all, or even twins, but only one baby – the scan got it wrong but she just found herself saying triplets in the heat of the moment!

Billy has also helped AJ and Candi with some early counselling for their new relationship. The only thing is that it makes Candi demand physical fitness from AJ, which he just cannot manage, and inspires Candi to make more of the thing he most loves about her – her eyebrows, and she ends up, with help from Gina’s eyebrow pencil, looking like Ming the Merciless.

Simpkins is back in town and horrified at the changes Constance allowed his ex wife Rita to make to the decor of his hotel. All is forgiven, however, when Gina and Candi finally make Constance see she is pregnant – Simpkins is over the moon. But it is not long before darkness descends on his brain, he sees AJ trying to lose weight at the pregnancy yoga class Constance attends and he thinks back to the that time some weeks ago when Constance said she was going to help AJ get some sex skills.

Constance is devastated when Simpkins accuses her of carrying AJ’s child and desperately asks AJ to tell him it is not true. AJ visits Simpkins, declaring their innocence, Simpkins prepares to carry out his threats if this proves to be a lie.

Memorable Moments:

  • Reg’s shopping spree through Mothercare, followed by Simpkins’ joyous Mothercare trip later
  • Gina drawing on those mighty eyebrows on Candi’s face
  • AJ getting his tummy out and making it speak

Will Eliza confess to Reg that there are not two or three babies but only one?

And what will Eliza and Reg do now that Reg has spent every last penny??

Will Simpkins realise he really is the Daddy before it is too late???

Find out in Episode 17.7 on Monday 8th April at 7.30pm at the Wardrobe Theatre

Episode 17.5: ‘A cheesy twist at the end’

Gina is desperate for Fred to get the hints she is dropping him, she wants him to run the pub with her. Eventually it bursts out of her – Fred is really happy to be asked and says yes! They decide to rename the pub Gina’s.

Reg is preparing an engagement breakfast for Eliza, AJ comes by and gets some good advice from him – after drawing back from Candi’s passion he wants to be decisive and has a good practice at the bakery picking out baked goods in a firm fashion. Eliza and Candi have a tense conversation, things are still crackling between them but they both clearly want to show each other they do not care. While Eliza throws herself into her engagement with Reg, Candi gives AJ another shot – this time he is determined not to be scared off!

Meanwhile, Rita is doing up Simpkins’ hotel, completely changing everything about it. Constance is taken aback, especially when Rita insults her relationship with Simpkins, but is won over by the special disco lift…which they later get stuck in. They are only released when Reg and Eliza turn up for a celebratory stay. AJ and Candi have turned up at the hotel too, going back to where it all began for them

Constance has a real craving for cheese twists, Candi reminds her that the last time she had that craving she was pregnant! Constance gasps in disbelief.

Memorable Moments:

  • Reg and Eliza driving along, quoting dialogue from the Little Mermaid – Reg is the Little Mermaid to Eliza’s Flounder
  • The disco lift’s funky music, smoke machine and special lighting
  • Fred leaving Gina to get on with work at the pub while he goes out to the Go Kart Museum

What will Simpkins’ think of his ex-wife Rita’s renovations of his hotel??

Will Fred and Gina become a dream team as landlady and landlord of the pub?

Is Constance really pregnant???

Find out in Episode 17.6 at 7.30pm on Monday 25th March 2019 at The Wardrobe Theatre

Episode 17.4: ‘Breathe deeply and count to Zen’

AJ is finding it hard to handle Candi’s passion, he nearly gets his glasses broken! Candi is not entirely sure he is the man for her after all. Meanwhile, Gina says she would like to run the pub with Fred, Fred seems to be hesitating about that stepping stone of their relationship and in frustration Gina says what she really wants is a jet ski – as Candi points out, when things are getting tricky in her love life Gina always wants a jet ski. Gina also wants to get some spirits for the pub, she is all out.

Simpkins and Constance have decided to stop playing games with the young folk and concentrate on their own relationship. Constance goes to the book shop and is seemingly angered by Eliza’s pregnancy and all the pregnancies she has seen around in Newtown recently. Eliza is wanting advice because she is not sure if she can return Reg’s sudden affections. Candi passes by and has no sympathy at all with her predicament.

Rita Meter has not been seen for a while, it turns out she has got into Marie Kondo-style tidying, feng shui and designing Zen gardens, the latter of which gets a fair few visitors today. She is Simpkins’ ex but Constance and her get on like a house on fire, sharing stories about Simpkins’ quirks in bed and having a fine old time. Constance suggests that Rita does up Simpkins’ hotel while she takes Simpkins on holiday.

Meanwhile, Reg is trying to get rid of a box of old spirits when Gina finds him (after having no luck anywhere else) and gladly takes them off his hands. Reg has decided he truly loves Eliza and tells her how he feels, in fact he gets down on one knee and proposes! Eliza thinks she will show her ex Candi and turns to Reg to say yes.


Memorable Moments:

  • The special Zen Garden arm and hand position (which looks a lot like Reg carrying a box of spirits)
  • Simpkins suspecting Reg of stealing the spirits from Gina’s pub and telling him to wait there while he tells Gina, Reg does exactly as he is told and does not move one iota
  • Everyone passing by and telling Reg and Eliza what a perfect couple they make, culminating in the marriage proposal
  • Rita’s comeback, including her very very tidy pants drawer

Will Constance take Simpkins for that holiday and will he be pleasantly surprised when he sees his ex-wife’s work on his return??

Will Gina continue to try to get Fred to run the pub with her, or will she be happy with her jet ski?

Is it really a yes from Eliza and an impending wedding???

Find out in Episode 17.5 on Monday 11th March at 7.30pm at the Wardrobe Theatre


Episode 16.6: ‘Sex, Lies, and No Escape!’

After avoiding Eliza and her claims of carrying his unborn twins, Reg is coming round to the idea. Although she is naturally a Liberal and Reg a raving Tory (and loving boyfriend of Pablo Jones), they decide they can make a pragmatic child-rearing coalition.

Meanwhile, Big Dick Johnson has said yes to Gina’s proposal of marriage! He is over the moon, on Cloud 9, on top of the world! Candi is carried away by the romance of the moment and sleeps with Simpkins (yes, really!), who afterwards tells her he always fancied her mother, Judith, and blames Dick for her death (she crashed her car while strung out on the antihistamines he gave her). Simpkins also tells her that Gina has been having an affair with Fred. Blown away by all this information, Candi goes to visit her friend Pablo.

Gina goes to see Fred and the tension is palpable. Fred realises he has to go far away where temptation cannot reach him. He gives Eliza and Reg his café and radio show, he gives Simpkins his shares in Chessington World of Adventures in return for his silence over the affair, and he heads to the airport bus. But he is waylaid by Dick, who insists he comes back to the pub with him to celebrate the engagement. Meanwhile, Pablo is visited by Candi and cannot hide the fact he knew about Gina’s affair already. Candi is torn about hurting her uncle and when they get to the pub and the engagement party insists that Pablo tells him – Pablo cannot bring himself to do so. In truly soaptastic style; Gina is a bundle of nerves, Fred is very uncomfortable, Candi is in a high state of anxiety, Big Dick is blissfully happy and unaware and then Pablo finally gets up the courage and blurts out that Gina had an affair with Fred!

Memorable Moments:

  • That incredible soaptastic final scene in the pub…TENSE!!!
  • Big Dick wearing a colourful woollen jumper, deciding that the leather jacket is the old him and now he is going to be a nice, entirely new man
  • Reg’s enthusiasm for naming the twins after famous dead Tories

Will everything remain hunky-tory for Eliza and Reg and their new parenting coalition?

Will Fred really leave Newtown and all his belongings and wealth behind him? Will Gina have a heart attack??

And what on Earth is Big Dick Johnson going to do now???

Episode 16.5: ‘Treehouse of Horror’

This was 2018’s sell-out Halloween Special and what a show it was! Big Dick Johnson and Fred Gonzalez are up in Dick’s treehouse on Halloween, telling stories. They pull titles written down by the audience from a hat…

Ghost Ship

AJ Shaw was harvesting the souls of the people of Newtown by sucking them into the ship-in-the-bottles he has in his toy emporium. Thankfully Candi and Pablo are on the case and determined to find out what is happening to everyone, they bring in the Reverend Adrian who brings the ghosts out of the ships and goes head to head with AJ – who is really Satan!


Back in ye olde days, Simpkins is making new monstruous people out of the innocent and pure of heart. What a cad!

Edgar Allen Pablo’s Tell-Tale Heart

Pablo suddenly finds that his innermost thoughts are heard by the people he meets – he says good morning to them and they hear him calling them an ugly old tart, for example! Soon all the people of Newtown are baying for his blood and he takes refuge in the church. Reverend Adrian is on hand to make things better, Pablo’s innermost thoughts turn kinky and the Rev responds in kind!

The Ghouls Under Simpkins’ Bed

As the title suggests, there were a lot of ghouls under Simpkins’ bed, they come out and kill him. It was a short one!

Halloween Ain’t Just For Teens!

A teenaged Simpkins and AJ get booze from an older woman, Constance Sugar, to go along to a party. She says she will join them, the old lech. Cut forward to when they are adults, and they are in a group at a graveside, remembering what happened all those years ago. It turns out Constance died at that party and she is back, undead, for vengeance! She picks off the group of once-teens from that party one by one, killing them in horrible ways. Until Candi and Simpkins find the words to say backwards and vanquish her forever!

Big Dick and Fred have enjoyed the storytelling, all seems well…But then an unearthly visitation comes to them – it is a zombie Reverend Adrian, and he wants their blood!

No-one gets out of the Treehouse of Horror alive.