Episode 23.1: ‘A Bramble Close Shave!’

It is New Year’s Day in Newtown. Gina and Candi have terrible hangovers but Gina wants to be alone to suffer in comfort. Candi is feeling lonely and unloved and after using some dating apps goes after a bearded maker of boats from Bristol called Adrian. Gina helps Candi get ready by layering her leopard print clothing on to her. Later, Gina gives Candi’s double denim clothes a try. 

Big Dick and AJ are out for a long walk, but get completely lost. Things seem to take a dark turn when they keep finding themselves on a Bramble Close, and AJ even ends up being locked up in a cage for a time by a hungry old witch, just like in the story of Hansel and Gretel – he passes this off as a hallucination brought on by the cold and lack of food. Later on in the day, AJ and Candi spend a bit of time together and though they talk about how good it is to just be able to be friends, the crackling of their old electricity is undeniable. 

Meanwhile, Constance Sugar doesn’t want the New Year’s Eve party to end, and stops the revellers that have bought tickets to the hotel’s big bash from leaving. She eventually lets them go but does take one of them with her to the pub in her mission to keep having fun. She bumps into AJ who scares her so much by telling her that Big Dicks famously faultless sense of direction has failed him, that she thinks it must be the end of days and she may as well continue to enjoy herself while she can… Later, after she visits an S&M sex club on Bramble Close, Constance reveals to AJ that that was where he had been in a cage, and that the hungry old witch had been her sex club friend Jackie. 

Back at the hotel, Candi is upset to learn that Constance has renamed Simpk Inns Sugar Towers, so Adrian won’t know where to meet her. However, there happens to be a convention of bearded Bristolian boat makers at the hotel and Constance offers a few of them free drinks if they will sleep with Candi. This gives Candi a spring in her step and she returns back to Gina in a much more cheerful mood. 

But what has happened to Dick all this time? He snacked on the traditional New Year’s vol-au-vents on his walk, as well as leaving some as a trail to follow when he got lost, but the mushrooms in these particular beef and mushroom vol-au-vents are of the hallucinogenic kind and it turns out he was on an almighty trip! Constance has eaten some of the ones he left as a trail and they both are convinced they are still tripping when they see Candi looking like Gina and Gina looking like Candi. They hide under Constance’s coat and hope it is all over soon. 

Can AJ and Candi really just be friends? 

Will Big Dick ever come down? 

Has Candi now got a taste for leopard print, and Gina for double denim?? 

Memorable Moments:

  • Constance talking to the guests at her hotel’s New Year’s party, including the voluble member of the audience who became ‘Gwendolyn’
  • Candi putting on all of Gina’s leopard print clothes on top of each other, with a big red smeary lipstick mouth added by Gina
  • The way that, in Newtown, you eat different flavour vol-au-vents depending on what you want from your new year

New Year Special!

Let us start the brand new season (Season 23, no less!) with a New Year Special! How very soap opera. Bet ours will be a lot funnier than the usual soap New Year though. In fact, there is probably no better way to beat the post-Christmas comedown than coming along and laughing your face off with us. Get your tickets here and start your year right.

(Of course, if things change and theatres are closed because of restrictions to curb the spread of bloody Covid-19, you can get a refund or change your ticket to another date or even (no pressure!) leave it as is to become a donation to the company. We shall keep you posted about any changes.)

Episode 22.7: ‘ A leopard CAN change its spots’

Constance has been left alone at Christmas, since Simpkins has gone to Micronesia to visit their kids and think about the state of their relationship. She decides to get Lady Saffron a present, but gets distracted in the shops and ends up buying herself lots of gifts instead. Elsewhere, Dick realises he needs to make a big gesture to Gina to help their marriage and enlists Debita to get her the best Christmas present ever. After brainstorming what Gina loves, they decide on stealing a leopard from the zoo and covering it in glitter! 

Meanwhile, Lady Saffron has gone to see AJ to sign on for jobseeker’s allowance. However, Newtown Council has run out of money so AJ gets her a job as an elf at the shopping centre. Over at the pub, unbeknownst to Gina, her Uncle Carl has been secretly staying upstairs for the last few months; he spent all the money she gave him some years back and he’s now broke. Deciding to try and make something of himself, Uncle Carl decides to go and work as Santa at the shopping centre too. 

Dick and Debita’s leopard theft goes relatively successfully (Debita  only receives a few minor wounds). However, as Dick is explaining to Debita how he will now declare his love for Gina, Gina walks in and thinks he’s actually telling Debita he loves her! In a rage, Gina storms off and smashes up the Christmas decorations at the pub and then calls AJ to tell him she can no longer sponsor Dick’s parole… and AJ takes him back to jail! 

An emergency parole hearing sees Constance roped in as judge at the courthouse. Dick tells Gina that she’s right: he doesn’t deserve her, and he should go back to prison. But after hearing him and seeing the glittery leopard (which has been tamed and brought into court as evidence), she decides it’s an incredibly romantic display of affection… and forgives him. Christmas – and Dick and Gina’s relationship – is saved!

Memorable Moments

  • The running gag of awkwardly climbing through windows when something important is happening
  • Debita and Constance talking Italian to charm the leopard
  • Uncle Carl’s overdramatic tumble when Gina throws a small Christmas decoration at him
  • Constance’s start to Christmas Day: a bottle of champagne and some light masturbation

 

Episode 22.6: ‘A Constance Disappointment’

Simpkins is feeling very depressed. While Constance is enjoying the fruits of their open relationship with a Newtown mechanic and a casino blackjack dealer, he is struggling to keep track of his tiepins, let alone meet someone else. AJ offers to play boardgames with him to help improve his memory and after talking through the situation, Simpkins starts to get paranoid that Constance is actually having an affair with Big Dick Johnson…

Elsewhere, Dick has learned that a rival, ‘Needles’ McGraw, is out on parole in neighbouring Neartown. Wanting to ensure that his patch doesn’t get intruded on, Dick calls around his criminal mates and eventually tracks ‘Needles’ down, threatening to turn him into ‘Stumps’ if he ever comes to Newtown again.

Meanwhile, Constance’s old friend Lady Saffron Saint-John MacStuffie has arrived in town and is down on her luck after her family inheritance was swallowed up in debt, so Constance invites her to stay in a room at the Simpk Inns Hotel. While there, Lady Saffie strikes up an immediate friendship with Simpkins who she gets investment advice from and plays boisterous games with. Constance, hearing them from outside Saffron’s room, gets furiously jealous and accuses him of cheating. Simpkins tells her that it was completely innocent and that he believes it’s actually her that’s been cheating with Big Dick!

Simpkins leaves the hotel and AJ invites him to stay on a sofa at Debita’s mansion, leaving Constance distraught. She calls Dick and asks him to set the record straight with Simpkins… but he refuses and decides to blackmail her!

Will Big Dick tell Simpkins the truth? How will Saffron adapt to a life of poverty in Newtown? And how long will Simpkins survive living with AJ? Find out in the SEASON 22 FINALE on December 6th!

Memorable Moments

  • Simpkins: “Be honest…” AJ: “OK, I sometimes don’t wipe when I’ve been to the toilet.”
  • Big Dick in search of rival “Needles” McGraw around neighbouring Neartown, which seems to have been designed like a Monopoly board
  • Lady Saffron’s ‘bouncy bouncy’ game played to the William Tell Overture

 

  

 

Episode 22.5: ‘Winnie Takes It All’

Candi is back in town and determined to get over AJ. She is feeling aimless so Dick decides to get her a job at the pub. This involves firing Debita, which Gina takes issue with – she is fed up with Dick not consulting her or pulling his emotional weight in their relationship. Gina tells Candi and Debita that they can work together.

Meanwhile, visiting couple Winnie Fingle and Henry Sweetman have broken down by the park and, after taking a wrong turn, Winnie gets stuck in quicksand! Henry rushes off to find help and runs into Constance who learns she knew him at Oxford. She takes him back to her penthouse, abandoning
Winnie. Fortunately, Debita’s mansion backs onto the park, and AJ (who has just moved in) hears Winnie’s screams and rescues her.

Dick, out for a walk, comes across Henry’s car. Finding some ID, he realises he also knows Henry… as a notorious conman! At the mansion, Winnie has wormed her way into AJ’s affections in order to steal a portable safe and Debita’s jewellery. Henry is simultaneously conning Constance out of her
money and belongings at the penthouse. The couple try to escape with the goods, but are intercepted by Dick and Candi and in an attempt to flee end up back in the quicksand! Dick and Candi later save Constance’s feelings by lying about Henry, giving her back her things and telling her that he told them he loved her but had to go. Later, back at the pub, Gina’s had enough of Dick shirking his responsibilities and tells Debita that if he doesn’t
buck his ideas up, she’s going to leave him…

Is the last we’ll see of Winnie and Henry?

Will Gina make good on her ultimatum?

And will Newtown Council send someone over to sort out the quicksand?

Memorable Moments

  • Candi and Debita being overly polite to each other on the job
  • Constance’s name at Oxford: Constance ‘Anything Goes’ Sugar
  • The recurring Ole Gunnar Solskjaer jokes
  • The recurring Cold War theme between Candi and Debita