Episode 17.4: ‘Breathe deeply and count to Zen’

AJ is finding it hard to handle Candi’s passion, he nearly gets his glasses broken! Candi is not entirely sure he is the man for her after all. Meanwhile, Gina says she would like to run the pub with Fred, Fred seems to be hesitating about that stepping stone of their relationship and in frustration Gina says what she really wants is a jet ski – as Candi points out, when things are getting tricky in her love life Gina always wants a jet ski. Gina also wants to get some spirits for the pub, she is all out.

Simpkins and Constance have decided to stop playing games with the young folk and concentrate on their own relationship. Constance goes to the book shop and is seemingly angered by Eliza’s pregnancy and all the pregnancies she has seen around in Newtown recently. Eliza is wanting advice because she is not sure if she can return Reg’s sudden affections. Candi passes by and has no sympathy at all with her predicament.

Rita Meter has not been seen for a while, it turns out she has got into Marie Kondo-style tidying, feng shui and designing Zen gardens, the latter of which gets a fair few visitors today. She is Simpkins’ ex but Constance and her get on like a house on fire, sharing stories about Simpkins’ quirks in bed and having a fine old time. Constance suggests that Rita does up Simpkins’ hotel while she takes Simpkins on holiday.

Meanwhile, Reg is trying to get rid of a box of old spirits when Gina finds him (after having no luck anywhere else) and gladly takes them off his hands. Reg has decided he truly loves Eliza and tells her how he feels, in fact he gets down on one knee and proposes! Eliza thinks she will show her ex Candi and turns to Reg to say yes.


Memorable Moments:

  • The special Zen Garden arm and hand position (which looks a lot like Reg carrying a box of spirits)
  • Simpkins suspecting Reg of stealing the spirits from Gina’s pub and telling him to wait there while he tells Gina, Reg does exactly as he is told and does not move one iota
  • Everyone passing by and telling Reg and Eliza what a perfect couple they make, culminating in the marriage proposal
  • Rita’s comeback, including her very very tidy pants drawer

Will Constance take Simpkins for that holiday and will he be pleasantly surprised when he sees his ex-wife’s work on his return??

Will Gina continue to try to get Fred to run the pub with her, or will she be happy with her jet ski?

Is it really a yes from Eliza and an impending wedding???

Find out in Episode 17.5 on Monday 11th March at 7.30pm at the Wardrobe Theatre


Episode 17.3: Valentine’s Special, ‘Confetti your love for me’

Simpkins and Constance have a romantic Valentine’s breakfast, then Constance nonchalantly mentions to him that she is going to give AJ some lessons in love, Mrs Robinson style. However, when Constance sees AJ at his flat and sees that the card he thought was from her was actually from Candi, she realises she should do the right thing, leave AJ alone and encourage him to get romantic with Candi. Meanwhile, Simpkins is incensed and tries to shmooze Candi in revenge, she is having none of it! Later, Constance finds out and has a heart to heart with Simpkins, they have both been playing games but she loves him with all her heart.

AJ tries to pretend to Candi, when he goes to take back the card to her, that he does not care, but eventually they talk and realise they could be more than friends. It seems the Valentine Cupid has struck after all!

Over with Eliza and Reg, they are reminiscing about 1990s dance tracks featuring Bjork and Reg is feeding her chocolates and trying to be a good platonic father-to-be.

At the pub, Gina has made a trail of heart confetti to lead Fred to her and some lusty times. After a bit of that, they decide to head to that most romantic of dining establishments – that Burger King just outside of town. Gina is slightly on edge and it comes to a head in the car when she finds Fred being too blase about their relationship, which Gina thinks should be perfect – after all, someone died so they could be together!

Memorable Moments:

  • Simpkins’ rage at AJ for, as he sees it, trying to lure Constance into being his Mrs Robinson, and his sarcasm when AJ says he is not interested and likes Candi, “Oh, would you like to return the item??”
  • Fred being specific about what his car is, a Daewoo Matiz
  • Reg dredging up a description of the afore-mentioned 90s track featuring Bjork from his memory

Will Fred be scared off by Gina’s intensity?

Will Candi and AJ manage to do anything more intimate than some light pinky-linking?

Does Eliza want more from her baby daddy than just being her twin babies’ daddy?

Find out in Episode 17.4 on Monday 25th February 2019 at 7.30pm

Episode 17.1: ‘Come in, baby, it’s cold outside’

Candi and Reg are at the aquarium, Reg catches Candi up on all that has happened in Newtown – Pablo being shot, Big Dick being put in jail, Fred and Gina going away to sort themselves out. They decide that that was all very dramatic and interesting but they are ready to move on, though of course Reg is still father to Eliza’s unborn twins and that is rather on his mind. Later, after Candi has gone, AJ comes along and tries to help Reg realise he could be a good father. The three of them all meet up in the playground but it starts to snow…

Constance has done up a room at Simpkins’ hotel to make it more like a Love Motel, trying to attract customers in out of the snow. AJ and Candi make it through the snowstorm to the hotel and take that suite. Constance is delighted and she and Simpkins listen through the keyhole.

However, although Candi would like to have some nookie with AJ he is oblivious and they just play scrabble.

Meanwhile, Reg is alone on Lyle Hill, remembering his own terrifying butcher father.

Simpkins upsets by Constance laughing in her face when she says she is not really all about sex and perhaps they should try parenthood again, he says she is too old! She tries to make herself feel better by flirting with AJ, when Candi walks in on them she gets upset and Constance realises right away that Candi wanted more than friendship from him. She says to AJ that he needs to learn a thing or two and they kiss.

Memorable Moments:

  • Reg remembering the raw meats in the butcher shop that he made friends with and talked to as a child
  • Candi and AJ having a go on the playground equipment
  • Constance’s and Simpkins’ homemade porn film

Will Reg get over his crisis of confidence and accept his new role as a soon-to-be father?

Will Candi tell AJ how she really feels?

Will Constance forgive Simpkins for calling her old?!?!

Find out at our Valentine’s Special on 11th February 2019, after our special 150th ever episode on 28th January!


Episode 16.7: ‘Pablooooo, noooooo!!!’

We are right back at that tense moment in the pub, Pablo has told Big Dick that his fiancee Gina has been having an affair with Fred. At first Big Dick does not believe it, thinks it is all a joke, but then he sees no-one else is laughing. He demands some facts from Gina and then, angry and broken-hearted, he storms out of the pub – locking Fred, Gina and Pablo inside.

Pablo feels terrible for the drama he has created and for the danger Gina and Fred could be in, he thinks it is up to him to sort it out, takes the gun Big Dick keeps behind the bar and breaks his way out. Gina and Fred remain behind to talk and wait, getting more and more apprehensive.

Meanwhile, AJ knows nothing about the affair or its latest twist and when he bumps into Big Dick on the top of Lyle Hill manages to twist the knife in talking about Gina and what a wonderful woman she is and how happy Big Dick must be. Big Dick dons his leather jacket again, which he had discarded when he thought he was going to become a new man, and goes off in his car. His temper does not improve when the car breaks down several times along the way.

At Simpkins’ hotel, Simpkins fills AJ in with what has been happening. They discuss what they would do if they had discovered their lover had been loving another. Then AJ bangs on the door of the pub, pretending to be Big Dick and nearly gives Fred and Gina a heart attack!

Over at Reg’s, Eliza has stayed over and there has been some action with Reg – much to his surprise. But although he wants to be there for Eliza and their unborn twins, he still loves Pablo. And Pablo himself soon arrives, Eliza makes a hasty exit and the two men have a heart to heart over a game of cards. Pablo thinks he is losing it and should check himself into the local sanatorium. He wonders what he thinks he was doing with a gun and throws it out the window into the alley below. Before he heads off though, he thinks he should go back to the pub and apologise to Fred and Gina for interfering.

Meanwhile, Big Dick has also made his way back to the pub, pausing in the back alley where he sees his gun below the window of Reg’s flat, he picks it up and goes in.

Big Dick brandishes the gun at Fred, Gina steps in front of him and Pablo throws himself at Big Dick. There is a tussle and the gun goes off! Pablo slowly sinks to the ground. Big Dick looks at Fred and Gina and says, “Look what you have done. Pablo is dead”, then walks out. AJ and Fred and Gina gather around Pablo laying prone on the floor, in shock. The lights fade to black.

Memorable Moments:

  • That thrilling final scene. The long silence at the end, Gina crying real tears, many of the audience in tears too, it made the hairs on your arms stand up!
  • The opening scene. Long, tense but hilarious throughout, we find out that Fred has a Travelodge membership and got points every time he and Gina had a tryst there
  • Simpkins’ impression of Big Dick as he finds out about Gina and Fred
  • Big Dick’s flashback of happier times with Gina, riding along in the car together listening to soft rock musuic

Will we ever see Pablo again??? (Well, at least not for quite a long time, as the actor who played him is off in the West End playing Trigger in Only Fools and Horses!)

Will Gina and Fred make a go of it now it is all in the open, or was it all about the dirty dates in the Travelodges?

Are Eliza and Reg on the same page? Or has that hasty clinch changed the parameters of their practical relationship?

Find out next year in Season 17!

Episode 16.6: ‘Sex, Lies, and No Escape!’

After avoiding Eliza and her claims of carrying his unborn twins, Reg is coming round to the idea. Although she is naturally a Liberal and Reg a raving Tory (and loving boyfriend of Pablo Jones), they decide they can make a pragmatic child-rearing coalition.

Meanwhile, Big Dick Johnson has said yes to Gina’s proposal of marriage! He is over the moon, on Cloud 9, on top of the world! Candi is carried away by the romance of the moment and sleeps with Simpkins (yes, really!), who afterwards tells her he always fancied her mother, Judith, and blames Dick for her death (she crashed her car while strung out on the antihistamines he gave her). Simpkins also tells her that Gina has been having an affair with Fred. Blown away by all this information, Candi goes to visit her friend Pablo.

Gina goes to see Fred and the tension is palpable. Fred realises he has to go far away where temptation cannot reach him. He gives Eliza and Reg his café and radio show, he gives Simpkins his shares in Chessington World of Adventures in return for his silence over the affair, and he heads to the airport bus. But he is waylaid by Dick, who insists he comes back to the pub with him to celebrate the engagement. Meanwhile, Pablo is visited by Candi and cannot hide the fact he knew about Gina’s affair already. Candi is torn about hurting her uncle and when they get to the pub and the engagement party insists that Pablo tells him – Pablo cannot bring himself to do so. In truly soaptastic style; Gina is a bundle of nerves, Fred is very uncomfortable, Candi is in a high state of anxiety, Big Dick is blissfully happy and unaware and then Pablo finally gets up the courage and blurts out that Gina had an affair with Fred!

Memorable Moments:

  • That incredible soaptastic final scene in the pub…TENSE!!!
  • Big Dick wearing a colourful woollen jumper, deciding that the leather jacket is the old him and now he is going to be a nice, entirely new man
  • Reg’s enthusiasm for naming the twins after famous dead Tories

Will everything remain hunky-tory for Eliza and Reg and their new parenting coalition?

Will Fred really leave Newtown and all his belongings and wealth behind him? Will Gina have a heart attack??

And what on Earth is Big Dick Johnson going to do now???

Episode 16.5: ‘Treehouse of Horror’

This was 2018’s sell-out Halloween Special and what a show it was! Big Dick Johnson and Fred Gonzalez are up in Dick’s treehouse on Halloween, telling stories. They pull titles written down by the audience from a hat…

Ghost Ship

AJ Shaw was harvesting the souls of the people of Newtown by sucking them into the ship-in-the-bottles he has in his toy emporium. Thankfully Candi and Pablo are on the case and determined to find out what is happening to everyone, they bring in the Reverend Adrian who brings the ghosts out of the ships and goes head to head with AJ – who is really Satan!


Back in ye olde days, Simpkins is making new monstruous people out of the innocent and pure of heart. What a cad!

Edgar Allen Pablo’s Tell-Tale Heart

Pablo suddenly finds that his innermost thoughts are heard by the people he meets – he says good morning to them and they hear him calling them an ugly old tart, for example! Soon all the people of Newtown are baying for his blood and he takes refuge in the church. Reverend Adrian is on hand to make things better, Pablo’s innermost thoughts turn kinky and the Rev responds in kind!

The Ghouls Under Simpkins’ Bed

As the title suggests, there were a lot of ghouls under Simpkins’ bed, they come out and kill him. It was a short one!

Halloween Ain’t Just For Teens!

A teenaged Simpkins and AJ get booze from an older woman, Constance Sugar, to go along to a party. She says she will join them, the old lech. Cut forward to when they are adults, and they are in a group at a graveside, remembering what happened all those years ago. It turns out Constance died at that party and she is back, undead, for vengeance! She picks off the group of once-teens from that party one by one, killing them in horrible ways. Until Candi and Simpkins find the words to say backwards and vanquish her forever!

Big Dick and Fred have enjoyed the storytelling, all seems well…But then an unearthly visitation comes to them – it is a zombie Reverend Adrian, and he wants their blood!

No-one gets out of the Treehouse of Horror alive.