Candi is still squatting in Constance’s huge penthouse and has invited AJ over to make the most of the facilities. They discover her walk-in fridge. which Candi enters and discovers… a human finger! Disturbed by the find, AJ takes a second look in the fridge and finds a human ear!
Dick and Gina have gone to collect Constance from hospital; after her accident on her running machine, Constance has developed a phobia of machinery and electrics. They get her into Dick’s electric Jag but calm her down during the journey by singing a song about a horse and cart. After getting settled in the apartment, Gina and Constance discuss the maid of honour speech, but it doesn’t go down well. Gina runs into Candi and, despite their previous arguments, they reconcile – so Gina decides to make Candi her maid of honour instead.
Meanwhile, Dick arrives in the middle of Candi and AJ’s investigation. After analysing the finger and the fridge contents, he determines that it belongs to a lady who wore sea breeze nail varnish and used a fountain pen, on a single day in 2020 – October 16th. The disappearance of only one resident that day matches that description: one-time bookshop owner and big-time liar and breaker of hearts, Eliza Thornfield!
AJ, Dick, Candi and Gina confront Constance but she tricks all of them into doing tasks for her before she tells them – like cutting her some cake, moving a step ladder, and getting a vial out of a drawer. She admits that she tricked Eliza into using her Travelator and got it to suck her in, but it didn’t kill her so she gave her deadly nightshade before slicing up the rest of her! Constance said she did it for the town, since Eliza would have ruined them all – and now they MUST keep her secret, since their fingerprints are all over the murder weapons!
Will Constance’s secret be safe?
Will Candi make a good maid of honour?
Does Dick have a future as a detective?
- Gina and Dick repeatedly forgetting Constance’s surname
- Dick’s incredible sleuthing dating the body parts and identifying their previous owner
- Constance’s horse and cart song
Dick has gone to see Simpkins to discuss Simpk Inns Hotel as a wedding venue for his upcoming marriage to Gina. Simpkins quotes him almost £10,000 at ‘mates’ rates’ which Gina is furious about. Simpkins offers credit, which Gina immediately accepts and makes him her maid of honour in return. Gina gets to work on designing her dream venue, nose in her phone adding things to her Pinterest board.
Constance has been stuck in her Gladiators-esque Travelator fitness machine at home in the hotel penthouse for days, and everyone else is oblivious to her plight. Simpkins finally notices but doesn’t want to get his new white gloves dirty, so sends Dick round to help her. After looking at the Travelator, Dick realises pressing the button to try and spit her out has a 50/50 chance of sucking her in entirely.
Meanwhile, Debita has been back helping out at the pub. When Simpkins shows her his gloves, she has a clown-based flashback to her childhood, and rushes off to her safe space on Lyle Hill. When Gina sees the gloves a bit later, she fires Simpkins as her maid of honour and starts a game of ‘silly buggers’ in which Simpkins sneaks in a kiss. Whilst heading to the penthouse, SImpkins questions Gina about why she is getting married. When they arrive and see what the state Constance is in, Gina is incredulous that Simpkins would leave the love of his life in peril. In the interim, Dick has gone to Lyle Hill to calm down Debita before driving them both over to Constance’s. Dick, Gina, Simpkins and Debita discuss how to help Constance, but ultimately it’s down to Simpkins to decide whether to press the button that could save… or kill her. Gina says if she survives, she can be her maid of honour. Constance demands Simpkins to tell her if he really loves her. He says he has always loved her… and presses the button!
Will Constance survive the Travelator or will her final words of “Oh f**king hell!” be worthy of the record books?
Will Debita’s fear of clowns come back to haunt her?
Is Gina developing a phone addiction?
- Dick ordering, in the best Italian restaurant in Little Italy, a pink leopard print pizza with a long aisle and three tiers for Gina
- The selfie in Constance’s penthouse as she is in bits as the residents discuss her life-or-death decision
- Debita’s admission that she’d never been in a car before
Gina has been handed community service for the burglaries she committed, but after a cuppa at the Sky Cafe with Debita, she convinces the herbalist to do the community service on her behalf – cleaning up the town’s sewer gates which feed straight into Newtown Pond.
Candi arrives at Constance’s to beg for a place to stay after being kicked out of Gina’s, but Constance behaves inappropriately and Candi leaves in disgust. Alone again (partner Simpkins is away), Constance dreams of getting fitter by using her walking machine, but her leg gets trapped! Later, Candi returns to Constance’s and finds her trapped, so drugs her and holds her hostage so she can live in the penthouse.
Debita is low on self-esteem after being manipulated. AJ takes a canoe over to see her on the pond, but capsizes – and Debita saves him. AJ makes her his deputy in recognition and tells her he’ll be there whenever she needs him.
Meanwhile, mobile holistic healing therapist Raynor Schein has arrived in town and gives Dick some advice on reconciling with Gina. Gina realises she needs to be a better person and after admitting toAJ she hasn’t done the community service, decides she needs to do something she doesn’t want to do in order to make amends. At the pub, Gina and Dick have a heart-to-heart over a game of pool and realise they’re at a crossroads in their relationship…
Spotting a huge mansion, Raynor arrives to try and scam the occupant – not realising it’s Debita’s house. It turns out that Debita is the ex-wife Raynor (real name: Barry) left 6 years ago! Debita accidentally lets slip about the money in her safe, just as AJ arrives to offer help. She decides to give Barry a second chance, but spots him sneaking back into the house to steal her money – so she and AJ run in to grab him!
Is the last we’ll see of Raynor Schein / Barry?
What will become of Gina and Dick’s relationship?
Will Constance ever be able to get free?
- The busy pub scenes with Terry, Mark, Wayne and Gary
- Dick demanding an apology from the “other people” on parole
- The shocking reveal about Raynor’s relationship with Debita!
At the hospital, Gina and Dick have arrived to check on Candi’s condition. Gina resigns herself to taking the blame for the accident and starts to embrace her criminal side. Candi looks to be in a terrible state, but it turns out it’s just her normal face. AJ arrives soon after with her special cushion, but Candi can’t keep up the pretense: she later admits to Dick and AJ that she’d been pretending to be injured so that Gina would be fined, and her and Dick could continue being criminals! AJ promises to help Candi cover up the secret from Gina.
Constance is furious that Debita is on the Newtown Rich List. She goes over to Debita’s inherited mansion, and while she is there, Gina secretly steals a Picasso to add to her tally of swag that she’s been taking from other residents around town. Behind the painting is a safe that neither Debita nor Constance has seen before, though Debita remembers being told the code to it.
Meanwhile, Fred tries to help Debita become more assertive and takes her up to Lyle Hill and hypnotises her to be more self-confident and aggressive. It’s successful, and Debita convinces Fred to help retrieve her painting from Newtown’s thief. Constance discovers that Gina and Dick are storing the stolen goods at the pub and blackmails them to steal the contents of Debita’s safe, as she is still fuming about the Rich List. As they’re casing the joint, they’re forced to hide as Fred and Debita arrive for a stakeout. Fred notices
a loose panel and it turns out to contain a stack of money and a diamond! They put it all in the safe and when Dick and Gina try to open it, they are caught in the act just as AJ, Candi and Constance all arrive at the mansion. Gina learns that the Johnsons have been manipulating her and kicks Candi out
the house and tells Dick to go and live in her caravan!
Will Gina end up going to prison?
What else is in Debita’s safe?
What’s next for the criminal Johnsons?
- Dick’s translation of Candi’s mumbling in hospital
- AJ and Fred’s game of Warhammer
- Gina shuffling around the floor and under the sofa during the stakeout
- Constance disappointed when she realises no-one had stolen her family portraits
Gina has put her foot down and both Candi and Dick must give up their criminal activities, not an easy task for the life-time criminal Johnsons. They decide to become traffic wardens and, after some initial training with AJ, embark on their new careers. However, instead of fining people money, they misinterpret their training and defecate on people’s cars, including Constance’s. Constance complains to AJ and Dick and Candi look they could lose their jobs. Candi tries to seduce AJ to change his mind, then Dick tries to seduce Constance but to no avail (though she kicks herself later!). They realise
their only chance to save their jobs is to give out a massive fine to the richest person in town, so off they go after Simpkins.
Meanwhile, Simpkins has been experimenting with Druidism. He wants to stop
screwing with people, take up some new hobbies and make friends. He goes to
Gina’s to enlist her help and she accompanies him on a Thai cooking course. She even regales him with a rendition of ’90s classic, Steps’ ‘Tragedy’ complete with dance moves. However, she then exploits his friendship and gets him to do the pub’s washing up. His hands aren’t used to the work and become horribly blistered. Gina rushes Simpkins to hospital in Simpkins’ car, having to drive because of the state of his hands, just as Dick and Candi appear to try to pin a fine on Simpkins – and Candi gets hit by the car! Dick is left with a dilemma: let Gina off and commit a crime, or fine Gina and make her the criminal!
Is Candi seriously hurt?? And Will Gina accept the fine, or sacrifice her morals and let Dick help her cover it up?
- Constance being challenged to learn “numbers” and being disgusted about
being in her 40s.
- Candi and Dick’s “sexy” dances
- Gina’s Steps routine to ‘Tragedy’ and the ensemble reprise in the finale
Big Dick realises his beloved Gina is in the very Aldi that he set fire to when distraught over his niece Candi dropping out of art school. He tries to save her with various objects but in the end Gina slits her PVC trousers open with a pineapple she finds, where she is lying slightly charred in the fruit and veg section, and manages to quell the flames with the sweat she has gathered in the hotness of the PVC – just long enough to get out to Dick and safety. When Gina recovers, she and Big Dick go out to sell beer from a cart, to prove to him they can make money legally. He tries his best but just cannot shake the feeling that crime is his true calling.
Meanwhile, Constance and Debita are in the cellar of the pub and find a temple full of riches, a labyrinth of passages, an underground lake and a ski slope. They fight Matrix-style and Jedi-style and are both determined to take the rubies and diamonds they have found. But there are no rubies, or anything else – unbeknownst to them, a tap they had drunk from was where Gina and Dick keep their heavy duty psychedelics. Above ground, Debita finds out the truth from Gina but everyone decides it is much more fun to let Constance believe the rubies really do exist. Debita also bumps into Simpkins, who is practising flirting and has a go with Debita. Constance discovers them together and though she thinks Debita is trying to distract her from the rubies when Debita tells her Simpkins was trying it on with her, she is still suspicious of her and gives her a warning. Simpkins and Constance return to the cellar to hunt for the rubies, drinking some more ‘water’ along the way, that sends them tripping off into the underground fantasy world.
Both Big Dick and Gina ask Debita, their new barmaid, for advice. Big Dick is loath to give up crime, but loves Gina with all his heart (and lots of dinosaur metaphors). And Gina really does not want to marry a criminal, but loves Big Dick more than anything. In a tender moment sitting at the bar, Big Dick presents Gina with a bar towel and inside is a ring, he says he will give up crime for her…but if she ever wants him to commit a crime for her he will. The music swells, they kiss, the wedding is on.
Will Simpkins and Constance stay mangled forever??
Will Constance find out about his flirting practice?
What kind of wedding will Dick and Gina plan?
Will Candi make it back to art school?
Where can we get some of those psychedelics on tap?
- Simpkins getting out his cheque book to pay for coffee, then crisps, and get phone numbers at the same time
- Debita sounding ballsy when she says how she handles people who want her to change: “You know what I tell them?” and then she says, timidly, “I am terribly sorry, how do you want me to change exactly?”
- Simpkins and Constance unable to climb up stairs and just sliding down in a heap
- Big Dick naming dinosaurs in his love metaphors
- THAT kiss!