Gina has put her foot down and both Candi and Dick must give up their criminal activities, not an easy task for the life-time criminal Johnsons. They decide to become traffic wardens and, after some initial training with AJ, embark on their new careers. However, instead of fining people money, they misinterpret their training and defecate on people’s cars, including Constance’s. Constance complains to AJ and Dick and Candi look they could lose their jobs. Candi tries to seduce AJ to change his mind, then Dick tries to seduce Constance but to no avail (though she kicks herself later!). They realise
their only chance to save their jobs is to give out a massive fine to the richest person in town, so off they go after Simpkins.
Meanwhile, Simpkins has been experimenting with Druidism. He wants to stop
screwing with people, take up some new hobbies and make friends. He goes to
Gina’s to enlist her help and she accompanies him on a Thai cooking course. She even regales him with a rendition of ’90s classic, Steps’ ‘Tragedy’ complete with dance moves. However, she then exploits his friendship and gets him to do the pub’s washing up. His hands aren’t used to the work and become horribly blistered. Gina rushes Simpkins to hospital in Simpkins’ car, having to drive because of the state of his hands, just as Dick and Candi appear to try to pin a fine on Simpkins – and Candi gets hit by the car! Dick is left with a dilemma: let Gina off and commit a crime, or fine Gina and make her the criminal!
Is Candi seriously hurt?? And Will Gina accept the fine, or sacrifice her morals and let Dick help her cover it up?
- Constance being challenged to learn “numbers” and being disgusted about
being in her 40s.
- Candi and Dick’s “sexy” dances
- Gina’s Steps routine to ‘Tragedy’ and the ensemble reprise in the finale
Big Dick realises his beloved Gina is in the very Aldi that he set fire to when distraught over his niece Candi dropping out of art school. He tries to save her with various objects but in the end Gina slits her PVC trousers open with a pineapple she finds, where she is lying slightly charred in the fruit and veg section, and manages to quell the flames with the sweat she has gathered in the hotness of the PVC – just long enough to get out to Dick and safety. When Gina recovers, she and Big Dick go out to sell beer from a cart, to prove to him they can make money legally. He tries his best but just cannot shake the feeling that crime is his true calling.
Meanwhile, Constance and Debita are in the cellar of the pub and find a temple full of riches, a labyrinth of passages, an underground lake and a ski slope. They fight Matrix-style and Jedi-style and are both determined to take the rubies and diamonds they have found. But there are no rubies, or anything else – unbeknownst to them, a tap they had drunk from was where Gina and Dick keep their heavy duty psychedelics. Above ground, Debita finds out the truth from Gina but everyone decides it is much more fun to let Constance believe the rubies really do exist. Debita also bumps into Simpkins, who is practising flirting and has a go with Debita. Constance discovers them together and though she thinks Debita is trying to distract her from the rubies when Debita tells her Simpkins was trying it on with her, she is still suspicious of her and gives her a warning. Simpkins and Constance return to the cellar to hunt for the rubies, drinking some more ‘water’ along the way, that sends them tripping off into the underground fantasy world.
Both Big Dick and Gina ask Debita, their new barmaid, for advice. Big Dick is loath to give up crime, but loves Gina with all his heart (and lots of dinosaur metaphors). And Gina really does not want to marry a criminal, but loves Big Dick more than anything. In a tender moment sitting at the bar, Big Dick presents Gina with a bar towel and inside is a ring, he says he will give up crime for her…but if she ever wants him to commit a crime for her he will. The music swells, they kiss, the wedding is on.
Will Simpkins and Constance stay mangled forever??
Will Constance find out about his flirting practice?
What kind of wedding will Dick and Gina plan?
Will Candi make it back to art school?
Where can we get some of those psychedelics on tap?
- Simpkins getting out his cheque book to pay for coffee, then crisps, and get phone numbers at the same time
- Debita sounding ballsy when she says how she handles people who want her to change: “You know what I tell them?” and then she says, timidly, “I am terribly sorry, how do you want me to change exactly?”
- Simpkins and Constance unable to climb up stairs and just sliding down in a heap
- Big Dick naming dinosaurs in his love metaphors
- THAT kiss!
Candi Johnson has apparently been working hard at art school. She demonstrates her new “skills” in the form of a graffiti Magic Eye picture for her uncle Big Dick Johnson which leaves him confused for a few hours, allowing her to slip away. In the park she is shocked to see Constance making the most of the hot weather by sunbathing nude, and forces her to go to the police station for offending Candi’s eyes. Candi lets slip that she’s dropped out of art school and is terrified of disappointing her Uncle Dick. Constance – spotting an opportunity to have some fun – convinces Candi getting into crime with Uncle Dick would make him proud of her..
Meanwhile, pub landlord Gina Pitts is run off her feet from a rush of clientele and enlists help from the town’s herbalist Debita Webra, with disastrous results. Afterwards, Gina is worried Debita has infected her with ‘hippy’, but later Debita says she hates hippies, is just poor and rather thinks she is a Jedi instead. Bonding over their poor childhoods, the two of them go on a bender and drink the entire stock of Just Gina’s Pub. Candi finds it easier than expected to convince Dick to become a criminal once more – when he finds out the pub is out of booze, he decides to rob Aldi with her. A panicked Gina persuades Debita to provide an alibi for him. The heist goes badly: when Candi admits that she dropped out of art school, Dick sets fire to the supermarket in a rage while Candi locks Debita and a contrite Constance in the pub cellar to cover their tracks. Gina, learning that Dick is in the burning building, rushes off to save him, but is overcome by smoke as the flames grow around her…
Will Gina survive the blaze?
Can Dick forgive himself for returning to a life of crime?
Is this a new opportunity for a rival supermarket in Newtown?
- Big Dick Johnson recalling the long and chequered history of Bertie the Balaclava, which he has stored in his anus for a decade
- Candi, Gina and Dick’s increasingly desperate attempts to fend off the “hippy” Debita, including buying shares in BP, ordering products from Amazon and pretending to slaughter a calf
- Constance deciding to mess with other Newtown residents because she’s “been bored” and “just wanted to have a little bit of fun”