Constance has been left alone at Christmas, since Simpkins has gone to Micronesia to visit their kids and think about the state of their relationship. She decides to get Lady Saffron a present, but gets distracted in the shops and ends up buying herself lots of gifts instead. Elsewhere, Dick realises he needs to make a big gesture to Gina to help their marriage and enlists Debita to get her the best Christmas present ever. After brainstorming what Gina loves, they decide on stealing a leopard from the zoo and covering it in glitter!
Meanwhile, Lady Saffron has gone to see AJ to sign on for jobseeker’s allowance. However, Newtown Council has run out of money so AJ gets her a job as an elf at the shopping centre. Over at the pub, unbeknownst to Gina, her Uncle Carl has been secretly staying upstairs for the last few months; he spent all the money she gave him some years back and he’s now broke. Deciding to try and make something of himself, Uncle Carl decides to go and work as Santa at the shopping centre too.
Dick and Debita’s leopard theft goes relatively successfully (Debita only receives a few minor wounds). However, as Dick is explaining to Debita how he will now declare his love for Gina, Gina walks in and thinks he’s actually telling Debita he loves her! In a rage, Gina storms off and smashes up the Christmas decorations at the pub and then calls AJ to tell him she can no longer sponsor Dick’s parole… and AJ takes him back to jail!
An emergency parole hearing sees Constance roped in as judge at the courthouse. Dick tells Gina that she’s right: he doesn’t deserve her, and he should go back to prison. But after hearing him and seeing the glittery leopard (which has been tamed and brought into court as evidence), she decides it’s an incredibly romantic display of affection… and forgives him. Christmas – and Dick and Gina’s relationship – is saved!
- The running gag of awkwardly climbing through windows when something important is happening
- Debita and Constance talking Italian to charm the leopard
- Uncle Carl’s overdramatic tumble when Gina throws a small Christmas decoration at him
- Constance’s start to Christmas Day: a bottle of champagne and some light masturbation
Simpkins is feeling very depressed. While Constance is enjoying the fruits of their open relationship with a Newtown mechanic and a casino blackjack dealer, he is struggling to keep track of his tiepins, let alone meet someone else. AJ offers to play boardgames with him to help improve his memory and after talking through the situation, Simpkins starts to get paranoid that Constance is actually having an affair with Big Dick Johnson…
Elsewhere, Dick has learned that a rival, ‘Needles’ McGraw, is out on parole in neighbouring Neartown. Wanting to ensure that his patch doesn’t get intruded on, Dick calls around his criminal mates and eventually tracks ‘Needles’ down, threatening to turn him into ‘Stumps’ if he ever comes to Newtown again.
Meanwhile, Constance’s old friend Lady Saffron Saint-John MacStuffie has arrived in town and is down on her luck after her family inheritance was swallowed up in debt, so Constance invites her to stay in a room at the Simpk Inns Hotel. While there, Lady Saffie strikes up an immediate friendship with Simpkins who she gets investment advice from and plays boisterous games with. Constance, hearing them from outside Saffron’s room, gets furiously jealous and accuses him of cheating. Simpkins tells her that it was completely innocent and that he believes it’s actually her that’s been cheating with Big Dick!
Simpkins leaves the hotel and AJ invites him to stay on a sofa at Debita’s mansion, leaving Constance distraught. She calls Dick and asks him to set the record straight with Simpkins… but he refuses and decides to blackmail her!
Will Big Dick tell Simpkins the truth? How will Saffron adapt to a life of poverty in Newtown? And how long will Simpkins survive living with AJ? Find out in the SEASON 22 FINALE on December 6th!
- Simpkins: “Be honest…” AJ: “OK, I sometimes don’t wipe when I’ve been to the toilet.”
- Big Dick in search of rival “Needles” McGraw around neighbouring Neartown, which seems to have been designed like a Monopoly board
- Lady Saffron’s ‘bouncy bouncy’ game played to the William Tell Overture
Candi is back in town and determined to get over AJ. She is feeling aimless so Dick decides to get her a job at the pub. This involves firing Debita, which Gina takes issue with – she is fed up with Dick not consulting her or pulling his emotional weight in their relationship. Gina tells Candi and Debita that they can work together.
Meanwhile, visiting couple Winnie Fingle and Henry Sweetman have broken down by the park and, after taking a wrong turn, Winnie gets stuck in quicksand! Henry rushes off to find help and runs into Constance who learns she knew him at Oxford. She takes him back to her penthouse, abandoning
Winnie. Fortunately, Debita’s mansion backs onto the park, and AJ (who has just moved in) hears Winnie’s screams and rescues her.
Dick, out for a walk, comes across Henry’s car. Finding some ID, he realises he also knows Henry… as a notorious conman! At the mansion, Winnie has wormed her way into AJ’s affections in order to steal a portable safe and Debita’s jewellery. Henry is simultaneously conning Constance out of her
money and belongings at the penthouse. The couple try to escape with the goods, but are intercepted by Dick and Candi and in an attempt to flee end up back in the quicksand! Dick and Candi later save Constance’s feelings by lying about Henry, giving her back her things and telling her that he told them he loved her but had to go. Later, back at the pub, Gina’s had enough of Dick shirking his responsibilities and tells Debita that if he doesn’t
buck his ideas up, she’s going to leave him…
Is the last we’ll see of Winnie and Henry?
Will Gina make good on her ultimatum?
And will Newtown Council send someone over to sort out the quicksand?
- Candi and Debita being overly polite to each other on the job
- Constance’s name at Oxford: Constance ‘Anything Goes’ Sugar
- The recurring Ole Gunnar Solskjaer jokes
- The recurring Cold War theme between Candi and Debita
Five ghostly tales, the titles provided by our audience and acted out by spooky Newtown residents.
Beware, Beware: There’s a Leg Over There
Gina needs a new leg for her table lamp. What better way to fix it than replace it by hacking off actual legs from Fred and Candi?
Constance, Gina and Debita all compete to be the greatest undead drag queen, overseen by the fabulous Simpkins and his hideous assistant AJ. One lip sync to Devil Woman later and while the other two sashay away, Constance is chosen to stay as the eternal bride!
Driving a Cement Mixer
Candi needs her NVQ in construction and one of her guest professors is a member of the occult. But
which? Constance hasn’t been DBS-checked, AJ is a huge misogynist and Simpkins only faces the
wall. It turns out that all three are evil and Candi is the perfect new recruit for their cult.
The Walking Fred
Awakening from a coma after 13 years, Fred is told by nurses Debita and Gina of the time a virus escaped from a laboratory and turned people into zombies. Fred escaped, but the nurses didn’t…and now they want to finish the job.
The Hills Tell Lies
Constance’s nanny has left and she’s got to look after her children Ebenezer and Lambrini. She takes them to a haunted hill where the trees demand a sacrifice. But it turns out that the kids planned the trip all along, and mummy is the one who won’t be returning home…
After Dick found a priceless Matisse painting in Newtown Pond, Fred has gone to sell that information to Simpkins in return for clearing his debt. (They also share a kiss, which they both find rather pleasant.) Meanwhile, as a reward for saving Dick’s life, Dick and Gina offer to give AJ and Debita the painting or redo AJ’s bathroom – they choose to get the bathroom done. Gina decides to make it safari-themed, with animals, a jeep-shaped toilet, and wall-to-wall lino.
Over at the pub, Simpkins and Constance are searching for the painting without success. Unbeknownst to them, Dick has turned it into a papier-mâché giraffe and stored it in the cellar. Fred realises that this might actually have doubled the painting’s value – in the cellar he grabs the giraffe but runs into Simpkins and Constance snooping around, and it breaks into pieces. He tells them all about Dick’s plan and leaves them to fix it – but secretly Fred has given them a replica giraffe and sold the real Matisse for £40,000. This gives him enough money to pay off his radio fine as well as leaving enough for Gina and Dick’s new home decoration business. A smug Gina tells Simpkins and Constance that the painting is now gone, not realising that it was actually worth millions…
AJ and Debita decide to repay Gina and Dick’s handiwork by performing a Changing Rooms switch in the games room in Gina’s house to surprise her. However, they get carried away by their passion and spill white paint everywhere! When it comes to Dick’s reveal of AJ’s new bathroom, it’s a disaster: AJ is scared of all safari animals and is too terrified to live in his house any longer. Debita finds him and tells him she thinks it’s time they move into her mansion together…and though it’s a huge step for them both, he agrees!
How will AJ adapt to living in a massive, luxurious house?
And will Gina’s games room ever recover from the ‘redecoration’?
- AJ’s reaction to the bathroom: “It’s so… different.”
- Simpkins describing papier-mâché as “taxidermy for the cheap”
- Characters meeting in the discreet location of Shady Warehouse on Murky Street.
AJ and Debita’s relationship is in full swing, and they are already talking about children’s names. Meanwhile, Constance and Simpkins have asked Fred to host a radio quiz offering a free night’s stay to promote their new line of SPEDS – luxury beds at the Simpk Inns. However, the pair plan to rig it so that Fred speaks only to them. Constance and Fred have a (very brief) romantic encounter to seal the agreement but this sends Simpkins into a depression about getting old and unattractive. Constance convinces him that he’s still sexy and powerful, and he decides to change their plan and call in to the radio show using the voice of a complete bastard: Big Dick Johnson. They do so and trick Fred into swearing live on air, and then later tell him he has 3 days to pay £17,000 for the lost sponsorship deal with SPEDS, or he will have to sleep with Simpkins to make things fair!
Across town at Aldi, Gina reveals to Dick that she is a big fishing fan, which luckily coincides with a huge carp – Old Elroy (sometimes called Old Elmore) – returning to Newtown Pond. They decide to go on a night fishing trip, but Gina first needs to retrieve her Uncle Rod’s fishing rod which she lent to AJ. However, AJ has since lent it to Constance. Constance tells AJ he can have the rod if he plays the earlier radio call-in recording to Dick and Gina – he does, and they believe that they themselves actually made the call! Gina and Dick go and apologise to Fred and offer to catch Old Elroy and use the bounty to pay off Fred’s £17,000 debt.
On the pond, Gina, Fred and Dick get into a small dinghy to try and catch Old Elroy. AJ and Debita watch with binoculars from AJ’s house, while Simpkins and Constance also observe from the penthouse… and they see Dick fall in! Underwater, Dick sees Old Elroy swimming above him, he thinks the fish has a message for him…. Just before he loses consciousness, AJ and Debita jump in and save him. Back on dry land, Dick reveals Old Elroy pointed him to something under the water: Newtown’s famous stolen Matisse painting, perfectly preserved! Dick offers it to Fred, but he finds he cannot accept it and tells them all about Simpkins and Constance’s plot…
How much is the Matisse really worth? Will Gina and Dick get their own back on Constance and Simpkins? And will we ever see Old Elroy again?
- Simpkins imitating Big Dick, including launching into a monologue
- AJ getting rid if Gina: “Oh look, a leopard print convention!”
- The dramatic fishing expedition, experienced and witnessed by all the characters